Where Have All the Good Black Men Gone?


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Nowhere, yet this question is asked as if aliens dropped down one day and beamed all “good black men” into hovercrafts called “marriage” and “homosexuality”.  I say this because the complaint is always the same when I talk to single women: “All the ‘good black men’ are either married/taken or gay”. 

But that’s not true.

It’s honestly more of an excuse–an easy cop out that we can use to remove or ignore the part we play in our own plight and remove the responsibility that God gave us for our own lives.

To say that “all the ‘good black men’ are taken or married” is to admit that at one point they were “free” or single (because otherwise we would be suggesting they were born in relationships and we know that is not possible).

So who are these “good black men” and who are these women who have “taken” them?

I don’t know every man there is, but I do know a lot of good ones.  Some are married, some are engaged, some are in relationships and some are single.  The ones in relationships are men who love and respect their woman without fear or shame.  They do not cheat or play games or entertain loose women, or men who would encourage them do so.  They are kind and gentle to thier mate and respectful and considerate of her feelings.  They are honest and straight forward about their feelings for her, they provide support to her and they realize that they need her just as she needs them.  They are not superficial, but are modest, decent, non-confrontational and they actively avoid situations that may compromise their relationship.

These men are not flashy and they do not need or even desire validation from other men or from other women.  Their focus, their first priority is their relationship with their mate because it matters to them.  Their happiness and their sense of peace is directly tied to the happiness and sense of peace and security that they provide to their spouse.  They are real men.

Just as I know these men, I know their wives, their fiancees and their girlfriends.  Who are these women?  Who are the women, often referred to as “lucky” who have “taken” these “good black men” off the market?  Like their mates, they are women who love and respect their man without fear or shame.  They do not cheat or play games or entertain loose men or women who would encourage them do so.  They are kind and gentle to thier mate and respectful and considerate of his feelings.  They are honest and straight forward about their feelings for him, provide support to him and they realize that they need him just as he needs them.  They are not superficial, but they are modest, decent, non-confrontational and they actively avoid situations that may compromise their relationship.

These women are not flashy and they do not need or even desire validation from other women or from other men.  Their focus, their first priority is their relationship with their mate because it matters to them.  Their happiness and their sense of peace is directly tied to the happiness and sense of peace and security that they provide to their spouse.  They are real women.

The couples that I know, the couple the my husband and I are, are made up of two individual people who share the same sense of value for their mind, for their body, and for thier spirit.  Before they were two beautiful people in love with each other, they were two beautiful people in love with themselves.  Before he was a “taken” good black man, he was a single good black man who desired all of the things he found in his mate–at the time a single black woman. 

In all things in life, we have to first become what we say we want.  I cannot cry and beg God to make me a world-renowned writer if no one even knows that I write.  I have to first believe that a career in writing is possible, and I then have to realize that how successful I am in that career is in my hands.  I have to understand that nothing short of my own actions will put my desires and my dreams into motion.  A writing career is not going to fall from the sky and God isn’t going to give me anything I’m not willing to work for. 

If I want to be a writer I have to create an environment of writing around my life.  I have to be serious about my endevour and put my energy into making my desire come true.  I have to participate in events that involve writing–events that make it evident to the rest of the world that I have a passion, an interest, a talent for writing.  I have to make myself a writer in my eyes first, and then I have to make what I say I want evident to the world around me.  Then, when someone is looking for a writer, or a judge in a poetry competition, or a partner in a writing project I can come to mind because I’ve presented myself as a writer.  I have to put time and effort into it.   

The same is true for relationships.  Sisters, we cannot cry and beg God for a “good man” when we are not willing to put any effort into finding him ourselfves.  We have to first become what we say we want.  We have to first believe that a loving relationship is possible, and we then have to realize that how successful we are in that relationship is in our hands.  We have to understand that our actions put our desires and our dreams into motion.  A  “good black man” is not going to just fall from the sky and answer all our prayers.  Not going to happen.  Ever.

If we want to be a wife, we have to create a wifely aura around our life.  We have to be serious about our endevour and put our energy into making our desire come true.  We have to make that desire evident to the rest of the world.  We have to make ourselves wives in our eyes first, and then we have to make what we say we want evident to the world around us.  Then, when a brother is looking for a “good black woman”–a wife, we come to mind because we’ve presented ourselves as women who can be “wiffed”.  We have to put time and effort into it, just like anything else.  We cannont demand and expect to get a “good black man” if we are not first good black women.

What am I saying?    Simply put: “The law of attraction is this: you do not attract what you want. You attract what you are”.  You will never become anyone’s wife if you constantly settle for being a side chick, a booty call, a mistreated lover, a a friend with benifits, etc. etc.  Change who you are, and you change who you attract.  So where are the good black men? Somewhere looking for good black women. Are you identifiable? Think about it. 

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20 thoughts on “Where Have All the Good Black Men Gone?

  1. Good nuggets of wisdom sis.
    People may feel like that because they feel (and they could very well be) they are good women and yet are still single.
    I believe there’s a timing aspect to this whole equation also. Sometimes you are perfectly wife-y material, and you got your stuff together, and you are all prepared to become someone’s mate and yet still no one appears. Sometimes you just haven’t met him yet. The person you are meant to be with just hasn’t crossed your path yet. There are plenty good black men with good black women but their relationship is completely miserable. The day you decide to get yourself together is not the day mr right walks up (which I know you are not saying) sometimes you just gotta be patient. Live your life, focus on other things. Enjoy the privileges of singleness (bc there are plenty), cultivate your mind, read to some kids somewhere, start a business, do ANYTHING and you will meet Mr. Meant to Be when God puts it in motion for you to meet him!

    • Thanks! Yes timing is a part of it all but nothing can happen BEFORE we get ourselves together. I just can’t take women who say there are no good black men cause they keep choosing bad ones. I only know cause I’ve been there. But yes, in your single time take time out for you. Get to know you so that when he does come along you know what you’re supposed to be looking for.

    • I think too that a lot of times we miss the point”good guys” cause for whatever reason we just automatically place them in the “friend zone” instead of recognizing the awesome boyfriend he could make while we fantasize about this dream man that doesn’t really exist in real life.

      • Maybe. But I don’t think as many good guys get placed in the friend zone unjustly as we believe also. I see nothing wrong with keeping someone in the friend zone if y’all are not compatible. Also, if the guy doesn’t step up and say that he’s interested in the girl romantically and behaves like a friend I don’t understand why he’s so shocked that he’s in the “friend zone”. I thought you were my friend because you were acting like my friend. my bad homes.
        Plus good women are put in the friend zone just as much as men are. Not saying women don’t put good guys in the friend zone but maybe there’s some other good guy that catches her eye over friend guy and friend guy needs to move on and go date someone else. But if girl has put him in the friend zone and then stuff doesn’t work out with other guy she can’t whine about there being no good men bc she had two at one point. So I see your point

      • Yeah that’s mostly what I’m saying. The “there are no good men” whine is an excuse to ignore the good men that women sometimes overlook for the no good ones they choose instead or for the idea of the one they choose over the actually person in front of them. I understand not really feeling a person but I really do wonder how many guy friends a girl can really have before there is SOMEONE in that bunch right for her, and vice versa. The same for men. I just can’t believe that no person you meet out of all the great guys/girl who are your friends is good enough or incompatible with you. Relationships themselves are nothing more than glorified friendships. At some point you are just overlooking people or not realizing what you have in front of you. And yes, dude, if you like the girl, say it. This is not 3rd grade.

  2. I found myself saying “Yesss!” throughout this post. You definitely attract what you are. Also, people need to understand thats its unlikely you’ll find the good guy at the club or bar. Location, Location, LOCATION!

    • Amen, girl, Amen!! Thank you for the “Yeess!” lol Just so many times we as women don’t realize that no good people aren’t just setting up shop in our lives. We invited them, or allowed them to stay or entertained them when we shouldn’t have ever given them the time of day. We have to have better standards for ourselves before we expect better standards from someone else.

  3. Great piece! I’ve always believed that you must start from within if you want to attract a relationship. Your mind and spirit have to be conditioned for it so that you don’t accept less. We all meet new people during that search, but you have to make it clear what your long term goals are and give the other person room to decide if they want the same thing. And you have to be willing to walk away when someone comes offering less. Great job!

  4. it should be much more like where have all the good women gone nowadays? especially since many of the women now seem to have a very serious attitude problem, and play very hard to get.

      • yes i did, but where have the good women gone for us men that are very seriously looking too?

      • Yes. I only asked because the title of this post only expresses what some women feel. The post itself, however acknoledges that “good black” men have gone nowhere and that they are looking for good black women. It is a call for women to stand up and be the women they seek in a mate. So…I kind of already addressed your question. That’s why I asked if you’d read it. The answer is the same for men though. Become what you wish to have in a woman first. Be better and you will attract, accept, and entertain better.

  5. black men are about to make a serious comeback to a level of prominence and dominance. its taking a while but we bout to start waking sleeping negroes the fuck up to what their roles & responsibilities are #DontBelieveMeJussWatch

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